So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
