I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
