just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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