My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
