i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
