last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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