Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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