tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
