She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
