So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
