Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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