I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
