I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
