I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
