it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I DEMAND FORESKIN
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
