I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Randomize
