somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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