so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
