I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
