apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
