saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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