you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
how do flat chested girls get laid?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
