Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
