Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
