woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
