...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
