get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
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