I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
