We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
