She is in my trunk
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
