I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
