Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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