while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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