Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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