i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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