Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
