the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
We have so much sex to catch up on
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
