this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
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