the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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