Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
