I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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