wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
