I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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