I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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