Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
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