Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
