I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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