like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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