Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I don't deserve a penis
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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