seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I just googled if crying burns calories
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
