You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
