He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
